Do you Know him?

Hey Peps,
i shall quit saying sian tis word...i don wan to be sian... i was working then rush to Jabez house...late abt 10min...suddenly bumped ed n garr at the bus stop... i said hi to them...garr respond to me but ed didn't...i thought we had patched back through msn but it sounds tat he still hates me... i feel worried n my heart feel puzzled... i don noe wat to do but keep myself quiet... i noe later will be having a scolding from poh n decided to control my feelings... i sitting aside n staring around hoping tat ed will later talk to me...yet it nvr happen so i noe he still hates me..i hav my own ans n don wish to talk but keep myself tightly so am i insecure?... past is past...i felt guilt scolding vulgar n being rude...wat shall i do to make him forgive me? i have many many troubles in my heart n nt just tis... i feel struggled n helpless...don noe who to account with...i will account to God but i also still ned a best friend to account in physically...the fact is i have none... jia juan is my only best friend but she is nt around... i wish her a happy badae coz today is her badae haha... i wan to account someone who i always trust n respect... i jus don noe y? i only close with gals but nt boys...is it becoz boys is too rough for me....i'm jus lyk a weak mouse tat ned someone to take care n concern... cell grp today is very on fire n i hope tis wont affect from my brokenness...God is my last hope...if i don hav his presence i would be lonely 4ever.... there is no worthy friends in tis world but God... i jus don noe y who am i in tis world? i hoping everyday hav a happy moments to keep but my life is totally different... i feel lyk a empty shell where ppl around me jus kick it around n don feel my presence tat I'm a living thing but a toy... after cell grp, we went to Melville park n i slack over there alone, preparing to face poh scolding and i found out one thing when i was at the basketball court alone... i found out only ed is my only pal from the cell who is really noe my presense and entertain me well...becoz of a foolish quarrel i ended up losing the one tat i should cherish on...he is the only one tat so called close to me which better than being myself alone... once being called out to see poh...he scolding is super super horrify me... y my anger jus giv me alot of trob which is unnecessarily to be happen...i hate myself! i jus couldnt forgive myself for being a loser who think myself a winner...i regret saying alot of harsh word at ed...i hope he really fogive me totally...y am i so aggitated for the prayer meeting? i'm nt part of changkat n y i am so selfish? i only get attention when i hav trob? if i'm having a great happy moments in my life, is it still being alone where i'm nt in the presence from this world? i don wan to be alone but no choice to be alone...i wan to have friends to talk with but there is none for me...i choose to seek a friend to be close with me but there is none suitable... i really wan to cried it out to remove my pain....is very easy for me to cry anytime coz i feel weak n depress...is it everything started of moving me with poh as sheperd n sheep? is it the jealousy tat keeps my life torture each day? am i going to see my sheperd n sheepmate having fun everyday where i feel myself being extra if i join them? i don wan to get deep from my jealousy, i wan to grow even better with the walk of faith in God... i felt having a sheperd lyk don feel his presence with me...so is it without a sheperd or having it is no difference coz the reason is i nvr felt his LOVE... its been a few months with him and yet the feeling with him is jus lyk the starting of knowing him in one or two days... i noe if he read tis he sure heart-broken but for me is a final fact tat me n him....even if i said sry for a million times but my heart, my brokeness is still arounds me n couldnt take out... i had too much burden in me as i don noe how to handle my life... even if i get scolded tat i nvr did wrong, i still accept it coz i had given up my fairness in tis world...WORLD IS UNFAIR SINCE I WAS BORN....my smile no longer exist in tis world but even if i smile, tat is nt my real smile but i force to it...i may sound so dramatic, who cares? i wan my real life be back, a life with a smile in it! but when will i recieve it permantly n nt temporily... SORRY to the one i being rude! Sorry to the one i been acting childish infront of you! Sorry tat i waste my time with you! God bless me for no vulgar n rudeness life in me plus get rid of my drinking habit.... I feel weak, feel dying soon...
tats all folks,
justin